Bound for Oaktown
As much as I love San Francisco, enough is enough. I'll bet there are nicer places to live in the city than across the street from a housing project, but they're certainly more expensive than I can afford. I've done my time in cruddy victorians slathered in 20 layers of paint. I've seen enough crackheads fighting outside my window at 2am, pissing on my front steps. It's time for a change.
People tell me that the good life is in the East Bay, and that's why Melissa and I are packing up and moving to Oakland. For less than the price of our cramped, third floor apartment, we're getting a freshly-painted, well-maintained house, with amenities unheard of to long-time city-dwellers: a back yard, a garage, and an attic. Finally, I'll be able to move all those boxes into a storage space! Melissa will be able to grow those crazy plants she's been talking about! My car will no longer be shat upon by birds, rammed into and side-swiped by wreckless, drug-addled drivers!
I'm going to start a campaign amongst my friends to get all of them out of the city. No longer will we be driven into bankruptcy by DPT! No longer will we pay 3/4 or our salaray in rent! Down with San Francisco! Death to greedy, cold-hearted, irresponsible landlords and the independently wealthy and/or overpaid scum that blindly accept their tyrannical stranglehold on housing! East Bay, REPRUHZENT!